tumbling expressions of lust and life
I try hard to give a source but sometimes I don't know it. Some of the stuff I post I have had on my hard drive for over 10 years hard to remember the source. Some I am just reblogging and the source wasn't given originally.
But if an image is yours please let me know so I can credit you! I love promoting talented people who turn me on! And if you don't want the image posted, I will take it down just email me at email@example.com.
Tonight she posted a question from a fan who asked why she doesn’t moan in her the videos when giving a blowjob. Her reply was that she didn’t moan because she didn’t know anyone outside of pornstars who do that and so it feels fake to her.
I replied to the question but unfortunately I am not finding it on her tumblr so that I can link to the question and my reply.
My reply plus expounding on it a bit more. READ MORE
Someone asked me if it takes the sting out of the words in vanilla world/context…
No it doesn’t. If someone in Wal-mart were to come up to me and call me fat, I would be very upset - not only hurt but pissed off. I wouldn’t be groveling back for more to that person as I often do in a D/s - SM context.
“Do you see humiliation and degradation as a form of emotional masochism? Is it that you enjoy feeling that awful emotional pain, and crave that?”
For me humiliation and degradation go hand and hand with emotional masochism because that is where my humiliation/degradation buttons are….being called worthless or fat is humiliating and also hits a place of emotional pain. I do crave and have strong desires to feel that awful pain of the words tearing into me. I like hearing those things that tear me down. It turns me on.
“How is it a hot experience for you, and not something that emotionally scars you?” With Don - someone I was with when I was 18 - it emotionally harmed me. And I do think that some of my love of emotional masochism comes from my experiences with him. I was very timid and felt horrible things about myself after Don. But I think of those times now - and even in the moment of then - I was very turned on. I think it is intention of the other person that can leave me a mess verses hot. But even if I come out on the other side emotionally messed up….it doesn’t mean that it isn’t hot for me still. I will get into that in the next post more. I just know that even when those things that have broken me to the point of long term repair needed - I still get turned on. I can think about the things Don did to me and feel all sorts of emotions but I am ready to go masturbate about it right now. As I said in my last post - it is a complex contradiction.
It looks like tumblr isn’t importing my blogspot posts anymore…..hmmm….so cutting and pasting into here….
I have started and deleted probably about 20 posts on humiliation. I have owed a post to a group of people on LJ for months and months (since June just went and looked). It is the number one question I get asked to blog about also.
I really get turned on by humiliation. I like to feel that hitting my core and hurting me. It turns me on. Why…? I am not sure exactly. And I am not sure I want to know why always either. But it is the question I get the most often - why do I like humiliation?
It is a complex contradiction for me. Using this example….I was an escort who men paid money to be with - it was a big boost to self-image. They would pay money just to be with me. I felt sexy and very desired doing that. I know how Master feels about me and when others express their attraction, I believe it. It embarrasses me. But my point is I believe it…I know some find me desirable. I confident I know how to turn someone on. Again I did get paid to do that. :)
So I can say all that and mean it and believe it…
On the other hand I know I am fat. I see the stretch marks and hear the things in my head that say… “you are not desirable. You are fat. You are not sexy - You are fat.” I can even twist the escorting things around saying they wanted to see what it was like to be with a big girl…(although I know that isn’t true for many of my repeat customers but I can still twist it.) And I can go on and on with the the negatives. And I believe those too.
I believe the good but at the core there are those other things whispered sometimes loudly. And so it is a complex contradiction that makes up me.
So why do I like to have those negatives used against me….
For one I think it is like the person who is saying them can honestly see me and still is here with me. He can admit those dark things said inside me and use it against me - but he isn’t walking away because I am fat. It is like that person is seeing the core. We have the good the bad and the ugly and he see the ugly. The parts I don’t show to anyone.
Next I am an emotional masochist. I like to suffer and although I like the physical sensation of suffering - I like it often combined with the emotional pain too. I like to be brought to tears and hear and believe the things being said. It is like it is being torn from inside me and pushed in my face to see. It allows me to take those things I think and feel on the inside and see them almost differently or not really differently but out in the light instead of the dark. It lets me at times let go of the things being said. Makes them not so big or bad. Other times it doesn’t though - they stay right where they are at - the same feelings and thoughts I have had for a long time and will keep on feeling and thinking them. And all the while I am crying and my feelings are hurt and the ugliness of the words are in my face….I am turned on. I so want to be pushed on my knees and suck his cock or pushed on to my knees and feel my body slamming into that mattress as I am fucked.
I am this way…I don’t know if it has to do with my trauma’s from my childhood or with Don (a relationship I was in when I was 18 that was heavy SM). I just know it turns me on. And there is a fine line but I am willing to walk it.
Splitting this into 3 posts - next post answering some questions and third post going into walking of fine line of humiliation.